Fentonton

You Call That a Book Launch?

2012-01-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

This is how I imagine my book launch would play out if I lived in North Korea:

ME: Is he watching?
MY WIFE: Is who watching?
ME: Glorious Leader. Is he looking away?
MY WIFE: Well ... he appears to be looking the other way, but Glorious Leader sees and knows all, so I guess you're screwed on that.
ME: Shit. Okay, okay, let me think. Okay, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to press the button. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
MY WIFE: You could be executed for dissidence, I suppose.
ME: Oh, thanks for the support.
MY WIFE: You asked for the worst. Hey, maybe they'll just imprison you for life.
ME: Okay, I'm going to say something now which might shock you. I don't believe Glorious Leader is omniscient.
MY WIFE: (gasps)
ME: I mean it, I don't think he knows everything. Yesterday I kicked my toe on the dining table --
MY WIFE: You mean the wooden crate?
ME: Yes, the dining crate. So I kicked my toe and I said, Glorious fucking Leader.
MY WIFE: (gasps)
ME: I know, right? So I said that, and here I am, still walking around, free.
MY WIFE: Perhaps Glorious Leader is also merciful.
ME: No, he's a cock.
MY WIFE: (nods)
ME: There, I've done it. I pressed the button.
MY WIFE: Well done dear. And what has that done?
ME: It has published my novel as an e-book on Amazon, that's what!
MY WIFE: What's Amazon?
ME: You know, the global online retailer? Biggest bookseller in the world?
MY WIFE: Biggest bookseller in the world except in North Korea, where only Glorious Leader has true access to the internet? You mean that Amazon? Honestly, I have no idea where your book has gone.
ME: So what, now it's lost, floating around somewhere in our disconnected national intranet?
MY WIFE: Unless the Secret Police set up a fake Amazon site to trap stupid dissidents.
ME: Oh, you are just a bottomless well of support, aren't you? You're a pillar of strength, supporting me in my darkest hour.
MY WIFE: Don't mix your metaphors dear. Look, maybe Glorious Leader is secretly interested in the creative output of the collective. Maybe he wants to read your novel.
ME: Nah, he'd never read my book.
MY WIFE: Now who's being negative? Why wouldn't he?
ME: It has vampires in it. Glorious Leader hates vampires.

That's roughly how it went down, with two key differences: there are no vampires in my new novel, and my wife wasn't even in the country when I hit the button. Upload book ... press "publish" ... now, shhhh.

CELLAR DOOR

Fentonton. Population: 1

2011-12-31T07:37:00.000-08:00

The prize for most rubbish New Year's Eve ever goes to this one, 2011. It's only 2pm on the 31st, and I already know this new year "celebration" (yes, fucking air quotes) is going to suck worse than a Christmas without gifts. Worse than dental work. Worse than another Twilight film.

How can I know it will be so bad? Well, I'm sitting in the kitchen of an otherwise empty house in Kent, stone sober, eating breakfast cereal. My family, my dear beautiful wife and children, are at this moment working their way out of Brisbane airport. That's how I know this New Year's will suck like a Justin Bieber/Jedward collaboration.

If it was a separation of only a few days, or even a couple of weeks, that wouldn't be so bad; but the solitary stretch I'm looking at is stretched out four long months. That's so far past the horizon I can't know where it ends.

So, boo-hoo for me. I shall celebrate the entry into 2012 (and yes, I nearly forgot: fuck you, 2011) by having a couple of beers, eating some ribs, and trying to be productive for the last few hours of the year. Finish as you mean to go on, and all that. And while I'm eating my Waitrose sad bastard meal for one, I will attempt to distract myself with activity, because if I keep staring at this gaping hole where my life used to be I might fall into it. I come across one of the kids' toys, under the sofa or behind a door, and I feel my throat closing up. I used to think "getting all choked-up" was just something people said, but it actually happens. These human emotions, they also suck.

Where's that beer?

Rosen Trevithick - Straight Out of University

2011-11-12T11:05:00.001-08:00

I was recently granted an interview by the gracious Rosen Trevithick, Cornish playwright and novelist par excellence. Rosen is currently on the e-road promoting her latest novel, Straight Out of University. Here's a bit about the book:

Sophie isn't exclusively gay, but when you're voted Ms Lesbian Oxford in your first year at university, it does put you under a certain amount of pressure.

Her university life is characterised by passionate love affairs, liberal activism and boundary-pushing theatre.

Nine years later, Sophie returns to her hometown in Cornwall, where girls are friends with girls, boys are friends with boys, and queer is an experience felt when you drink too much cider.

Sophie falls for John, a sensible, conservative male man with a fondness for cardigans, but can they overcome their cultural differences?

Interview:

Fentonton: Tell me a bit about Straight Out of University.

Rosen: It's a story about a bisexual woman suspended in theliberal university bubble for the best part of a decade. She's then thrown backinto the real world with a jolt.

Fentonton: Any similarities between you and the MC, Sophie?You know … Were you ever voted Ms Lesbian Oxford?

Rosen: Ha ha! No, I wasn't. I did win a worst-dressedcompetition once in Oxford though,which is similarly prestigious, in my opinion.

Fentonton: Do you ever write while intoxicated, or alwaysstone-sober?

Rosen: Sometimes there is a bag of chocolate next to me whenI start writing, and when I stop, it's miraculously gone.

Fentonton: Do you think your story could be improved withthe addition of vampires? Vampires still seem unreasonably popular, like goatcheese.

Rosen: Vampires are usually a vehicle for a bad-boy romancestory. The leading man in my story wears a cardigan - even fangs couldn't makehim edgy.

Fentonton: Do you like goat cheese?

Rosen: Yes, especially blended with whipped cream to make amousse, then served with a little fresh basil pesto.

Fentonton: If you could choose between Katie Price, JustinBieber and Louie Walsh, which one would you have killed?

Rosen: Well, I'm a pacifist so I shouldn't really killanybody. However, Louie Walsh is on X-Factor, which is an enemy of the indieworld, so he's asking for trouble...

Straight Out of University is available as an ebook on Amazon UK and Amazon US.

Self-Promotion Sucks

2011-10-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

It's hard work, and generally fruitless, and it agitates every humble nerve in my body. Also, it's massively distracting.

After a month of trying to push Punchline, I have reached the following conclusions:

1. Giving away free copies is a double-edged sword, and a sharp one at that - readers might take up the free copy offer who wouldn't normally go within ten feet of your book.
2. Punchline is a Marmite book. I've always suspected as much, and evidence observed so far seems to support that theory: two reviews from Goodreads readers, a five-star rating and a one-star rating. The difference between not rating a book at all and giving it one star is equal to the difference between "didn't like it" and "hated it".
3. I have no idea where the market for Punchline hangs out, or if one exists. I am my ideal buyer, but I don't like to hang around in crowds.
4. People on the Amazon US boards are considerably more hostile than those on the UK boards; but also more entertaining.
5. If I spend too much time fucking about with this at work, I will probably lose my job.

What I need to do, I think, is chill out for a bit on the promotional side and get back to some writing.

Scam Genius 4

2011-09-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

Claim this $5.7 million ... or else!

The FBI are checkmating our mail, apparently.

--- On Thu, 22/9/11, Agent John Edward, wrote:

From: Agent John Edward,
Subject: Federal Bureau Of Investigation;;
To:
Date: Thursday, 22 September, 2011, 17:16

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

Intelligence Field Unit

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington , D.C.

Urgent Attention:

I am special Agent John Edward from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) intelligence unit; we have just intercepted (2) trunk boxes at JFK airport New York , we are on the verge of moving them to our bureau head quarters. We started monitoring and checkmating movement of consignments after the killing of Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, many people are virtually involve in sponsorship of terrorism knowingly and unknowingly since they participate in unsolicited and security unchecked transactions which sometimes the aftermath effect of unclaimed funds becomes wheel power for terrorist sponsorship.

We have scanned those two trunk boxes and discovered the value is $5.7 Million Dollars and the backup document bears your name as the receiver of the money contained in the boxes and your email address is on the delivery manifest booklet plastered on the two trunk boxes , investigations / interrogation carried out on the diplomat that accompanied the boxes into the united states has it that he was to deliver this funds to your residence as payment which was due to you as unpaid lottery .Our priorities are tactically stated below. Some people have been victimizing over the years but our inception has corrected worst crime situations in and outside American

Protect the United States and the rest of the world from terrorist attacks (see counter-terrorism);Protect the United States against foreign intelligence operations and espionage (see counter-intelligence); Protect the United States against cyber-based attacks and high-technology crimes (see cyber-warfare); Combat public corruption at all levels;

Protect civil rights; Combat transnational/national criminal organizations and enterprises (see organized crime); Combat major white-collar crime; Combat significant violent crime; Support federal, state, local and international partners;

We checked all legal documents in the boxes, and were about to release the consignments to the diplomat, when we found out that the boxes lack two very important documents Legal Clearance Certificate and Fund Ownership Certificate which as a result, the boxes was kept under security vault until you provide those required compulsory demanded due process documents According to section 229 subsection 31 of the 1991 constitution in tax payment, your consignment lacks proof of ownership certificate and legal clearance certificate from the joint team of the IRS and homeland security, and there for, you must contact us for direction and advise on how to procure the certificates, so that you can be relieved of the charges of evading tax and consignment abandonment which is a punishable offense under section 12 subsection 441 of constitution on tax evasion and unsolicited movement of consignments to any country all over the world.

You are required within the next 72hours to secure those above mentioned certificates or face the legal consequence defined for such delivery infringement, to avoid interrogation and prosecution in the court of law for money laundry and sponsorship of terrorism. We have investigative jurisdiction over every crime both in and outside United States . Also, you must not contact any other bank or persons in Nigeria , the United Kingdom or any part of the world for any payment, because your payment is presently under our custody here in United States of America . Please don’t respond to any FBI message without this security code (FBI/WOR/CMM). We shall direct you on the process of who to contact after extensive investigation.

Yours in service

Agent John Edward,

Regional Director

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

Intelligence Field Unit

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington , D.C.

20535-0001, USA

Scam Genius 3

2011-09-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

This one is really special.

START SCAM

--- On Mon, 29/8/11, MATILDE ARIAS GONZALEZ wrote:

From: MATILDE ARIAS GONZALEZ
Subject:
To:
Date: Monday, 29 August, 2011, 8:00

Hello friend,

Firstly, I must solicit your confidence in this transaction; this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential.Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. You might not know the sender of this Mail but i got your E-mail when searching files on reputable
people online.I hope my email meets you well.I am Mrs Becky Marcus the wife of Mr Spencer Marcus.

I am married to Engineer Spencer Marcus an Englishman who is dead. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 9 Million(Nine Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with a Bank In Asia,Presently,this money is still with the online bank.My Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.

And now i have decided to donate the funds to you as a gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children,
Hope to hear from you soon and God bless you.

Regards,
Mrs Becky Marcus

AVISO LEGAL: El presente correo electronico no representa la opinion o el consentimiento oficial de la PONTIFICIA UNIVERSIDAD JAVERIANA. Este mensaje es confidencial y puede contener informacion privilegiada la cual no puede ser usada ni divulgada a personas distintas de su destinatario. Esta prohibida la retencion, grabacion, utilizacion, aprovechamiento o divulgacion con cualquier proposito. Si por error recibe este mensaje, por favor destruya su contenido y avise a su remitente.
En este aviso legal se omiten intencionalmente las tildes.

Este mensaje ha sido revisado por un sistema antivirus, por lo que su contenido esta libre de virus.
This e-mail has been scanned by an antivirus system, so its contents is virus free.

END SCAM

Scam Genius 2

2011-09-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

START SCAM

From: Robert S. Mueller III
Subject: OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FBI DATED: 3RD/09/11
To:
Date: Saturday, 3 September, 2011, 18:06

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET.

Attn: Beneficiary,

We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant security Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), regards to your over-due contract payment Which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

It might interest you to know that we have taken our time in screening through this contract payment notification as stipulated on our protocol of operation, and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and legal with due process of law, and it is as well free from all illegal activities, which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay. Having said all this, we will further advise, that you should go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services accordingly with our intelligent monitoring network device, and with your cooperation.

Furthermore, we want to place this on your notice that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Mr. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi and Mr. Kingsley Chimezie along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office.

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from OHIO and another person named as Mr. Machovina Wachovia who reside in Missouri as well has already contacted them and also presented to them all the necessary documentations evidencing your claims, claiming to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued at about US$10,000,000.00 (Ten million united states dollars), but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before they go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank information which was forwarded
to them by the above mentioned names, the main reason, we the federal bureau of investigation were contacted by the CBN is to assist them on making some investigation regards to this issue.

They further informed us that we should inform our citizens, who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to these irregularities so that they don't fall victim to scam. We the FBI are instructing you personally, that if you were already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then, contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below information accordingly:

NAME: MR. SANUSI LAMIDO SANUSI
OFFICE ADDRESS: PRESIDENCY OFFICE OF THE PAY MASTER
GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION AND
SPECIAL ADVISER TO THE PRESIDENT
ON FINANCIAL MATTERS
TINUBU SQUARE,
LAGOS NIGERIA
Email: cbnonline.ng2012@gmail.com
TEL: +234-702-676-6327

NOTE: In your best interest, any email or fax that doesn't come from the above official email address or addresses and phone number should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise you to contact the Central Bank office immediately with the above email address and request that they attend to you payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly.

Ensure you follow all their procedure as required by them in order to hasten up the effective procedures, of transferring your funds to you as designated by you. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally has their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking realm, so any delay could be very dangerous. Once again, we will advise you to contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary information which might be required from you prior to the release of your fund.

All modality has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.

Should in case you need any more information in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so in order to brief you more, because we are here to guide you and serve you better during and after this contract fund has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated. Thanks, for your anticipated cooperation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter. Kindly get back to me after communicating with CBN.

Best Regards,

Robert S. Mueller III
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA

END SCAM

Scam Genius

2011-09-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how many of these scam emails I get. You know the ones, they promise you X million dollars, and all you have to do is give them a few details. I love the way they always state the amount in words and digits, and add "ONLY" to the back of it, like they're writing you a cheque and want to make sure you don't pencil in an extra fifty cents. I've decided to post some of them here for safe-keeping.

******************
START SCAM

Subject: Greetings in the Name of the Lord

Dear Friend,

I warmly greet you.

Please forgive me if my plea sounds a little strange or unbelievable to you. My family attorney who could have handled the process of executing my WILL & TESTAMENT on my behalf died early this year after a protracted illness. I therefore prayed fervently and by the special grace of GOD, I got your email ID from your country's guest book. I am MRS MARIA RITA RANALAN from USA , I am 58 years old. I am suffering from protracted cancer of the lungs which has also affected part of my brain cells due to complications. From all indication, my condition has deteriorated and it is quite obvious according to my doctors that I may not live for the next couple of months, because my condition has gotten to a critical and life threatening stage.

I was orphaned at the age of four and was raised in an orphanage. I was married to my late husband Daniel Walter Ranalan for twenty years without a child. Daniel had cardiovascular condition and died of cardiac arrest few years ago. I am a fervent Believer and a God fearing woman just like my late husband. Daniel and I lived in USA for over 18 years, where my husband a petrochemical engineer by profession worked and rose through the ranks to become an executive director with a multinational construction and oil servicing conglomerate, before his demise. He also established huge private investments that I assisted in managing.

Sequel to the unfortunate and shocking demise of my priceless husband, I decided as a rule not to re-marry. when my cancer ailment became terminal & more so because I do not have a next of kin to bequeath all that Daniel and labored for, I sold off all our choice properties and other inherited belongings comprising of a shopping mall, an hotel, shares, bonds, jewelries and other valuable family treasures and deposited the proceeds amounting to USD$10,000,000.00 (TEN MILLION DOLLARS ONLY) with I a bank. As I write this money is still deposited with the bank. The management of the First Inland Bank just wrote me as the sole owner because of the unserviceable status of the fund and suggested to me in a 2 paragraph statement to issue a letter of authorization to someone who can manage the fund on my behalf because of my ill health and also threatened that the fund could be confiscated upon my failure to adhere to their Banking rules and regulations within a stipulated time frame
.

I am presently at the intensive care unit of a China hospital. It is the leading cancer treatment hospital in the world and I have been undergoing treatment there for late-stage terminal cancer of the lungs. I am computer literate and was fortunate enough to have my personal laptop with me, hence I am writing from my sick bed. I rarely talk; my doctors told me that I have only few months to live, unless there is a divine intervention. It is my last WISH therefore to see that 90% of this fund is invested in any charitable organization of your choice and administered as you may deem fit, especially to the orphanage homes and homes for destitute and the mentally retarded. you can also extend some part of the funds to churches and mosques and to those struck by natural disaster, if you wish.10% of the fund could also be expended on cost of administration of WILL & TESTAMENT and also on logistic support and other sundry arrangements that you may require as soon as the fund gets to
you.

I crave your indulgence as a God fearing individual and as someone who cares for the less-privileged as much as I do, to take it upon yourself and use this fund for the above mentioned purposes, I took this painstaking decision in other to help humanity in my little capacity before I rest in peace in the bosom of GOD almighty. According to my physicians my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply and personal information as listed below, I shall give you the official contact of the Bank officials, to enable you contact the First Inland Bank without delays. I will also issue you with a letter of authorization, so that my bankers will recognize your status as the new beneficiary of the fund.

The letter of authorization will further prove that you are the new beneficiary of my ESTATE, WILL & TESTAMENT. The money has an open beneficiary mandate and as such, it is whom I authorize or appoint to act on my behalf that the bank will recognize and release the funds to. Please assure me that you will not treat this offer with levity but will rather give my bequest continued existence.

Send the information in this order:

(1) Your full names: ===================================

(2) Personal or official contact address:===============================

(3) Home or Office phone#:============Cell phone#:==========Fax#:=======

(4) Your Age: ===============

(5)Occupation:===========================

(6)Sex/Marital status: ========================

I am Awaiting your kind response while craving your appreciation of my predicament through my email address : ranalan1@blumail.org

Sincerely Yours,

MRS MARIA RITA RANALAN

END SCAM

Tactics for Keeping Children in Bed

2011-09-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

1. Rewarding good behaviour, e.g. "If you stay in your bed ALL NIGHT, we'll buy you the toy of the minute, as determined by Nick Jr."
RESULT: Fail. Children are incredibly stubborn and self-assured liars. "So are you going to buy me the toy today?" "No, you didn't stay in your bed." "Yes I did." "No you didn't, you're in our bed right now." "No I'm not."

2. Threats: "If you don't stay in your bed all night, you won't be going to that party tomorrow."
RESULT: Fail. Common response is, simply: "OK." But they don't stay. Damn.

3. Hostage-taking: "Stay in your bed or Mr Puppykins gets it ."
RESULT: Epic fail. Results in a lot of apology and begging for the child to stop screaming, and usually a trip to the shops the next day to buy the toy of the minute, as determined by Nick Jr. Bad parents.

4. Guilt Trip: "If you keep getting into our bed, Mummy will get sick because she won't get enough sleep to stay healthy."
RESULT: Fail. Kids really don't care.

5. Guilt Trip Extension: "And if Mummy gets sick, she won't be able to go out and get you the toy of the minute, as determined by Nick Jr."
RESULT: Fail. They still don't care.

6. Santa is watching.
RESULT: Fail. Despite pretence to the contrary, deep down, kids know where the presents really come from.

7. I'll tell your teacher.
RESULT: Fail. What the hell are you thinking? You know this is going to come right back to you via the teacher whose authority you're trying to hijack.

8. Strap them to the bed.
RESULT: Untested.

9. Vodka in the bedtime milk.
RESULT: Untested.

I am WIDE OPEN to suggestions people. Wide open.

Give it away now ...

2011-09-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

So I advertised a free offer, where anyone wanting a free copy of Punchline just sent an email with "Punchline" in the subject header. So far I've given away twenty or so copies. I hadn't reckoned on the spam filter though. I am getting really, really tired of checking my junk box.

Here's my solution:

I'm just going to post the link and the coupon code. Here it is:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/84632

Coupon code: HU35T

That coupon only runs to September 20th, so I'll need to update this with a new one after that.

I'm thinking about offering an incentive of some kind for folks to (a) pick up a free copy and (b) review it. Here's the plan: Buzzword Bingo! You know the game, you sit in a meeting and have your bingo card of popular meeting phrases, and someone always wins. Well, this would be like that, but for book reviews, except I create the bingo card, and whichever review gets first bingo they get a hundred dollar or fifty pound Amazon voucher. (Am I being a little hard on the value of the dollar there? Maybe.) I figure I'd need to line up a few ducks for that to happen:

1. Fora in which to advertise it

2. Possibly the OK from Amazon ... do I need a license to hold a contest?

3. A neutral party to "hold" the bingo card, for verification

It might seem desperate, but I'm simply trying to employ my never-used marketing major. The problem as I see it is that one feels less compelled to read a book if it was free. I myself have a few ARC's sitting in a storage container somewhere in the arse-end of London, their spines pristine. With my buzzword bingo plan, I figure it's a win-win situation. Participants get a free book and a shot at a prize, and I get read.

'Any thoughts?' he asks himself. He waits for a reply, like a religious nut-job waiting for a reply from a God who is too busy watching Jersey Shores to answer.

Bohica Books

2011-09-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

So, Punchline is now published (as an ebook) by Bohica Books. Who are Bohica Books?

Bohica Books

Interested in reading a free copy? For a limited time, you can grab a free copy through Smashwords by sending an email to admin@bohicabooks.com. Just stick "Punchline" in the subject header.

So much for focus

2011-02-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

So, this thing hasn't exactly gone as planned. I know I said this blog wasn't going to be an unfocused ramble, a brain-dump, but ... once more, I've taken a notion to an unnecessary extreme.

Two posts in over a year. Wow, I've got so much to say.

It's not all my fault I haven't got around to posting -- there are a number of things I can blame for soaking up all my time:

1. Work

2. Family

3. The economy

4. Bit Torrent (not that I do that kind of thing)

5. My dog (every time I get on my laptop, he jumps up on my ... ahh, Jesus, get down Brubeck ... yes, you, you smell ... well, okay, just don't drool on the keyboard)

6. Sport on TV

7. The estate agents charged with trying to sell my house, who seem to believe everyone is perfectly cool with them trying to push down prices just so they can maintain their fucking volume, imbeciles! You're only hurting yourselves in the long-run! Sorry, they just piss off all the concentration right out of my head.

8. Lambeth Council (they are beyond blame for NOTHING)

9. Warm, delicious alcohol

You get the idea. I could go on ... Actually:

10. Justin Bieber. His whole breathing and living and walking around deal just fucks with my concentration.

There, I'm done. Sorry about that. Why am I even apologising? It's not like anyone's going to read this. Writing a blog is basically emotional hedging, anyway.

Position A: If I write something stupid (likely), it doesn't matter because I'm not famous and no-one reads this thing anyway, it's basically an online diary.

Position B: If I write something stupid, and lots of people read it because I am famous ... who cares? I'm famous! Woo-hoo!

I made a New Year's resolution back when it was an appropriate thing to do: I resolved to make January FiFuNoMo. Most people (by people I mean writers) have heard of NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. FiFuNoMo is Finish the Fucking Novel Month. I tried to motivate myself. Surprisingly, it worked. Can February be SeFuNoMo (Sell the Fucking Novel Month)? I doubt it.

Maybe I'll just try to post more on the blog.

Crapalooza 2010

2010-03-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

I was gifted some time recently -- two weeks between jobs -- in which I thought I could get some of my own work done. Long-outstanding work. Important work. Naturally, I opted to fritter this time away with my new procrastination-enabler activity: groping around under my floor for junk from the 1900's.

Some brief background: I live in a terraced house in south-west London, built in the early 1900's. Like most houses of this design, a narrow cellar runs beneath the entrance hallway, originally used as a coal-chute. The joists for the ground floor rest on the top of the cellar wall, which leaves a series of shallow gaps where one can peer over the cellar wall to the space beneath the reception room floor, if one were so inclined. I was so inclined.

There is an ocean of crap under my floor. Not just any crap, but old crap. This is an important distinction. If it were simply half-bags of cement and copper-pipe offcuts left by builders, I'd have never bothered with it, but when I first flashed a torch in there I saw what looked to be (and what was) a very old tin of shoe polish. I had to have it. I now have approximately five thousand old tins of shoe polish which I've rescued from that filthy void, and if I pull out another one I'll probably try to open a vein with its rusty rim, but that first sighting is what got me started.

Some things I've learned from the experience:

- You can never reach as far as you think you can
- Everything seems much bigger when viewed at eye-level
- Tetanus is almost certainly a fictional malady invented to frighten children into obedience, or at least its method of contraction is a falsehood, because if being cut by rusty metal were a genuine catalyst of the disease I'd be critically ill of not outright dead by now, which I'm clearly not, as I'm sitting here writing about it
- WW1-era Londoners were sick, violent, immoral, perverse, incredibly messy and apparently obsessed with keeping shoes at their shiniest
- Enough is enough only until you want to go back for more

The way I gain access to the trash-trove is: I kneel on the workbench or stand on a chair, reach up and over the wall with my face pressed into the brickwork, and blindly feel around for interesting things to pull out. I can't see where I'm groping because the joists and the floorboards stop me getting my head into any kind of viewing position. I used gloves for a while, but I couldn't feel a thing, so I now grope about barehanded, just like they did it back in the day. It's a messy business. I mentioned about the cellar being a coal chute -- apparently excess coal was dumped over the wall. I think I might have developed the black lung.

It hasn't all been coal dust and shoe polish tins and razor blades. Did I mention there were razor blades? What don't you want to find when you're groping around blind with your bare hands? You guessed it: razor blades. But I have also found some pretty cool things. Here's my top five (subjective) finds so far:

1. A time capsule in the form of an old lemonade bottle, containing a number of old tram tickets and a letter from the first owner of the house to the finder of the time capsule (me!)
2. A Colt .22 New Line revolver, in its pouch and in apparent working order (without bullets)
3. A small jar labelled "Special Black Female Corrective Pills" (with pills)
4. A very old framed picture postcard, presumably of the original owner and his wife
5. What appears to be a home-made opium pipe (without opium, dammit)

The time capsule got us all very excited. It's dated 1908, addressed from our house, and says (paraphrased): "My name is George Herbert Cowell, the original owner of this house. I wonder when this letter will be found. Enclosed are a few Tramway tickets. We have just had our Tramways electrified." All written in perfect cursive. I downloaded the image of the 1911 census form from the house, and loe and behold, it matched: George Herbert Cowell and family, all of them but Mrs Cowell employed by the Central Telegraph Office in Waterloo.

The gun was another high-point. When I pulled it out I had no idea what to expect as I tried to open the old zipper on the pouch with my bleeding, rust-speckled fingers. When I saw the butt of the gun shining through I thought it might be a fancy knife. When I pulled out a gun, I was stunned: it was tiny. I mean, really tiny. I later learned it was issued by Colt as competition for the Derringer, but on first sight I thought it was a cigarette lighter. The Colt New Line was made in 1877, a 7-shot rimfire revolver, and it fits very comfortably in the palm of my hand. Unfortunately, being a .22 means it falls under section 5 of the UK firearms act, which makes it a prohibited weapon. A bit of gun oil and a clean-up, you could slot some modern .22 cartridges into that puppy and, provided your hands weren’t too large, you could give someone a nasty sting. Good citizen that I am, I contacted the local chapter of the firearms squad, who are now holding it safe for me in their armory until I find someone to deactivate it. I couldn’t even sell it I wanted to, because no-one would be allowed to buy it – it falls into the same category as a Glock.

The corrective pills were, it turns out, an early form of the morning-after pill. Yes ladies, just one of these a day for about a month after your fun and games will take care of any unwanted “developments”. This may or may not be achieved by precipitating your own death, but that would probably be on account of all the lead you’ve been ingesting by taking these “special black” pills.

More details on this gripping adventure will follow, after I’ve caught some Z’s.

I want to live in Fentonton!

2009-11-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

The first blog post, so much pressure … come on man, think …

The Oxford English Dictionary defines blog as …

Gah!

Do-over:

Welcome to Fentonton. I know what you’re thinking, and no, I did not set up this blog while drunk and misspell my own name. “Fenton.blogspot” was taken. I admit I was listening to Ben Folds while I was trying to think of a name, which must have had an influence. If you’re familiar with “Effington”, just swap the words around, hum a few bars, and before you know it it’ll be stuck in your head like a catchy Justin Timberlake track, or tinnitus, whichever you prefer.

Fentonton

Can be a wonderful Fenton place

I can see it from the highway

And I’m wondering

Is there Fenton in their yards

Fenton in their cars

Fenton in the trailers and the back roads and the parking lots

Of Fentonton …

And so on.

So why do I have a blog? Well for one thing, it’s considerably cheaper than setting up a proper website. Also, I can get by without having to learn much HTML, which is fine with me because I’m sure it would be superseded by some new vastly superior programming language about a month after I mastered it.

What makes me think anyone is interested in what I have to say? You’re here, aren’t you? Unless you were trying to get to Fenton.blogspot and you’ve had a few too many ciders. What this blog is not going to be is a brain dump of every random thought which wanders into my head. No, it’s going to be a tightly focused brain dump.

First things first:

I was prompted to set up a blog after joining a book review group called “Booksquawk”. They said, give us a photo and a link to your blog. After two hours of teaching my four-year-old daughter (heretofore referred to as “Kid A”) the principles of SLR photography, lighting, aperture settings, and where the take-the-damn-photo button was, I had my picture. And here’s the blog. It’ll look much better once Kid A finishes that HTML course.

Booksquawk is a book review site whose contributors are all writers. Some of us have even had our books published! Not me. No, I write for the (ahem) love of it. If someone would pay me to do it, however, I would love it so much more. I would love it and care for it and feed it every day, honest. If you’d like to pop over and check the site out, that would be just super. If my HTML tags above failed to work, it’s at "www.booksquawk.blogspot.com"

That’s enough from me, at least until I have something interesting to post. Interesting to me, anyway.

I want to live

In Fentonton!

I want to die

There too!

Folds, if you read this, feel free to put Fentonton on your next album. Or at least play it next time you’re in London.